It is time to learn your love style. Childhood shapes you into the adult you are today. How you grew up and your childhood experiences determine how you receive and express love, it determines what love is to you, and how you respond to conflict and deal with stress. Knowing more about you, your childhood, and your love style will help you grow as a better person. It will give you a solid understanding of the interpersonal relationship dynamics you have with others and your partner. It will give you a better understanding of your relationship when you and your partner know your love style. At the end of this post there is a link to the quiz to identify your love style. Take the Love Style Quiz below.
Which One is Your Love Style?
I love this quiz and think it is a great way to simplify attachment styles. Sometimes as coaches, we throw around attachment styles in our content outside of our practice sessions, and people sometimes still would struggle with the concept. I do talk about attachment styles in-depth in other posts if you are interested in going deeper into the psychology of it.
Love style is a great place to start, and it may be enough for you to understand your love style in your relationship. I am only going to go in-depth into the avoidant, pleaser, and vacillator attachments as these are the most common and most people can identify with them. Use these styles as a guide. Everything isn’t an exact fit for everyone. After the quiz, you can get deeper explanations of each style.
The avoider love style is similar to the avoidant attachment style. The avoidant avoids emotions of self and others. They desire internal comfort or control. They avoid intimacy by looking to activity and/or addictions. Avoidants passively do not trust others and only trust themselves by ignoring feelings but feeding internal needs. Avoiders can grow up feeling very good about themselves because they were able to care for one or both of the parents. They avoid their own emotions and others until their feelings come out sideways. As children they can feel better than others and can be the golden children in their family of origin. They tend to use flight and flee in stressful times and hide from others and God.
The pleaser reduces fear by pleasing others. They desire external approval or love and seek intimacy by pleasing. Pleasers do this for selfish reasons. They blindly trust others, but they do not trust themselves. People pleasers start as parent pleasers. They grow up feeling fearful of saying no and being alone. They often find themselves stuck in relationships where they give more than they get. They have a strong work ethic. They are preoccupied with what others think and feel. They want to freeze in stressful times and cover up by looking to others.
The vacillator is looking for an intense, consistent connection. They desire power and performance and they look for intimacy by pushing and pulling relationally. Vacillators strongly do not trust people and they trust themselves to get their needs met by pleasing or avoiding. Vacillators grow up with a parent who is sporadically connected. Left in constant state of wanting, they grow up looking for constant attention, yet they cannot trust others to truly provide it. They want to bond but then pull away in fear. They can over-emote and focus on their own feelings and needs. They fight in stressful times and blame by pointing at others. Take the quiz below:
After you take the quiz, head over to Instagram and DM your result!
For coaching with DEEP3R1, go here. Order DEEP3R1’s book, Issa Love Thing: The Ups and Downs of Love, and How to Overcome and Win at Love, and listen to The IN2Deep Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts.